WEEK 10 tuesday, february 25
I was thinking
of waiting until tomorrow to write my weekly journal, then I had a dreaded
thought and felt I truly needed to get this over with today, because
this next week won't be an easy week for me. It was 8 years ago, on
exactly this date, february 25, 1995, that my first baby, Alex, died
within me the day before he was due, which was february 26, 1995. 
This is, without a doubt, never an easy time for me, although, admittedly.
it has gotten better over the years. My pregnancy with Nicky was fortunate
enough, since my feelings were still so incredibly raw at the time,
not to pass through this period. I got pregnant in late March and Nicky
was born in late November, missing February and the anniversaries altogether.
The 3 hour glucose test came back normal... even low! This is, of course,
great news, I do not have gestational diabetes, which is, of course,
great news.
My next Drs visit will be next week, on March 5th, and I am anxious
to see my peanut again, if they will do a quick ultrasound (they have
machines in the office), and also eager to hear when we'll start all
of these tests and when an amnio will be scheduled. I am not looking
forward to them, I just want to get them out of the way and I hope with
all my might that they will tell me that the baby will be okay.
I've
been feeling pretty good physically, mentally I am still in my state
where I try not to think about it too much, perhaps meaning I try not
to get too excited. Afterall, I know first hand how things can go wrong.
Strangely, I don't feel like I am doing this in purpose, rather, it's
something my subconscious does automatically, like a defense mechanism
that activates instinctively. I find that irritating and reassuring
at the same time... does that make sense? Hmmm...
I found some pictures of Greg as a little kid and he was soooo cute!
Nicky looks exactly like me, and so do my cousins and my nieces, so
I know I have a lot of genes that tend to be dominant, however, if this
child will end up looking just like his daddy, I would be the happiest
mom on earth! Ha Ha 
Not much else at this point, just trying to keep my head on straight,
my wits about me and moving on, one day at a time...
silvia
@ 2:52 PM 
tuesday, february 18
This week
I've been feeling much better. No nausea to speak of, a bit more energy,
and overall I feel very positive, which is quite an accomplishment!
I have gained some weight, it's true, and it's sad to see my stomach
giving in already when I still cannot feel the 'bump' of the uterus
growing. I suppose the only 
real
sign that I am pregnant physically is that my waist is gone-Yup, no
curves for me! LOL. I think I gained about 5-8 lbs so far. I am still
eating and drinking in ways to prevent nausea-lots of sparkling water,
no liquid/mushy foods etcetera. I will probably go back eating normally
in a couple of weeks, after the first trimester is over.
This week so much blood was taken from me I have the bruises to prove
it, sigh. I was tested for thyroid early last week, then a 3 hour glucose
test (with 4 blood drawn over that period of time). I still do not have
the results for any of them. Hopefully soon.
Part of me still has a hard time believing I am actually pregnant at
times. I don't know if it's my mind playing tricks on me to erase possible
stress or what. I think it is working though, for the time being anyway.
Still... thinking truly positive 100% of the times seems like such a
luxury. I am now really fretting over some tests I will take soon. Tests
like amniocentesis, which has a small percentage of causing miscarriages.
GREAT. Any percentage, no matter how small, to me it's a chance for
something to go wrong. Afterall, only 1% of babies are stillborn, and
my Alex was stillborn, and 1 in a million babies is born with EB...
and, I won the lottery that time too. Sigh. 
I
know I will be extremely stressed during and after all these tests.
Not only because of the small percentage of causing miscarriage, but
also fretting that the tests will show a non-healthy baby for me. I
know I will be devastated.
Gotta keep thinking positive... gotta keep thinking positive... gotta
keep thinking positive....
silvia
@ 2:30 PM
tuesday, february 11
This past
week started with an unexpected ultrasound on wednesday at the Dr's
office, and, I must say, I almost cried when I saw my little bean sprout-almost
as if he/she is finally making its presence known to me.... Mommy, I
am here! It helped quite a bit in my quest of feeling good about this
pregnancy. The ultrasound revealed that he or she is definitely in the
uterus (rather than a tubal pregnancy or something), and
that he or she is as big as it should be. See
a pic of the ultrasound here. This is the first week where I felt
really good about this pregnancy, almost like a milestone for me.
I am still pretty tired, but I must say I am getting used to it and
try to pack all my housework and computer work in general in the first
part of the day where I have more energy. I relax and watch TV and do
non-tiring work the rest of the day.
A test revealed I might possibly have gestational diabetes. This means
I have to go in thursday in the early morning (Yikes! I have to get
up at 6am!) to do a 3 hour glucose test. If I do have this condition
it is treatable, so I am not too overly concerned about it, as long
as we know what we are dealing with and it can be treated I am fine
with that.
I've
talked to moms who have had scheduled C-sections after an emergency
one, and they stated to me it went really wonderful. The recovery was
much easier and they would not trade the experience with a risky VBAC
for anything. This made me feel at ease knowing that it could be a good
experience... well, it could not be worse than what I have already experienced,
that's for sure!
Greg is, as usual, a doll. He just loves pregnant women and he's really
enjoying this! He can't wait until I am really showing, right now I
have basically lost my waist, but no major pouch going on yet. A couple
of more months honey!
We talked about names today but we won't seriously be choosing until
we know the sex of the baby in 2-3 months. No need to go crazy thinking
of a boy name if we're going to have a girl and viceversa! Nothing is
final at this moment, but so far we've got Shelby/Shelbie for a girl
for a first name, middle name could be Laura, Lauren, Laurel, Amanda,
Vivian, Isabella, Stella or Gabriella... not sure which one I like best,
and I might add more to the list, it will depend a lot on when the first
name becomes final. For a boy I've got 4 names so far that I like, for
a first name, Luke, Adrian, Christopher or Joshua, and for a middle
name so far I like Gabriel and Julian. I had more but they got axed
from hubby, LOL. If it was for my son I would need to call my baby either
Mario or Luigi (he's a big Nintendo fan, LOL) but... I don't think so!
Ha Ha
Healthwise I am doing pretty good and I have a couple of friends who
write me the most wonderful emails, so this week was truly a good one.
A feeling I hope will carry me for the next 7 months...
silvia
@ 1:57 PM
monday, february 3
I have to
be honest, I felt like I lived in a bubble this week-not really thinking
about being pregnant, or being excited, or anything. I did not realize
my numbing state until last night when I was feeling a little relieved
that I survived-or, rather-the baby survived, the 7th week. I miscarried
my second pregnancy at the beginning of week 7. Then
I realized I did not even think about the pregnancy at all, almost like
I put a wall around me to protect me from the possibility of another
loss. The feelings were definitely somber.
Then a thought
came to my mind. I really should lighten up. I don't yet look pregnant,
so it's no wonder it's hard to really believe that I am. I think it's
probably going to be easier and hard to forget that I am pregnant, while
a belly is in front of me 24 hours a day. This is one of those times
that I wish I would already be showing. Of course hubby would love that
too. He loves pregnant women and keeps asking me when he's going to
see the belly! LOL. A couple of more months, I think, or, perhaps sooner.
I did get out of my shell and told a few more friends about my pregnancy,
these are women who would be there for me if something was to go wrong,
so I felt safe. Also my aunt called me after talking to my mom giving
me her best congratulations. I want sooooo
bad for things to go well, I don't think people can really understand
how it's like not being able to take anything for granted. Not a day
goes by that I actually believe that comes september I will have a healthy
baby in my arms. It feels more like a dream for me, and everyone else
around me is having this dream, while my reality has always been quite
different. Sigh :-(
silvia
@ 5:56 PM
tuesday, january 28
While this
past week emotionally I've continued to second guessing myself how I
should feel about the pregnancy, daring to be happy, I now feel very
much pregnant physically, which does help a bit in the sense that I
don't have to wonder if I am 'really pregnant'! I
am extremely tired all the time, and I actually feel worse with the
nausea than I ever have in the past. I attribute this to all the extra
vitamins and folic acid the Dr gave me to take which are supposed to
make me nauseous! But, like I always said, I rather be sick for 9 months
and then give birth to a healthy baby, then go 9 months perfectly as
in the past, just to end up in a stillbirth or a disabled child. Hence,
morning sickness, you are welcome here! I will never complain about
it, just stating how things are.
I waited and waited for the phone to ring with test results last week,
but nobody called. I thought it was a good sign since they told me they
would only call me if there was something wrong. However, when I did
call last friday to just get a rundown of my test results, they told
me that they had not received the results yet. DRATS! Great, more worries.
So now I am waiting a couple of more days to call them back again to
find out what's the scoop.
I've
also decided to go ahead and do a repeat cesarean. After weighing all
the odds and risks, while a VBAC after a cesarean is possible, it would
really only be better for me. A repeat cesarean would be best for the
baby. What sealed my conviction, however, was the DR's list of pros
and cons. One of the cons against a VBAC was a big one, one too big
to ignore or pretend and wish it could not happen to me. It stated that
if the uterus was to rupture during delivery, that there would not be
enough time to do a c-section and the baby could die-and I could die
too. Scary? You bet. My husband then talked to his ex-wife, who was
a baby delivery nurse for 8 years and asked what I should do from her
experience. She also said to do a cesarean. She stated that in her 8
years as a delivery room nurse it happened twice that a mother's uterus
ruptured, and in both instances the baby died. In one of those two incidences,
the mother died too. However
rare this occurrence is, I know our lives are not immune to tragedies,
as my past experiences have taught me, hence it's a repeat C-section
for me!
At last, something fun. Today I found out that according to the Ancient
Chinese Gender Predictor, this baby is a girl... I usually don't
really believe these things but they were right with my past two babies,
so... hmmmm? If that is true, then, Shelbie dear, that is your name
:-)
silvia
@ 8:55 AM
tuesday, january 21
This past week has been kinda strange. My feelings varied from excitement to "whatever happens happens" to afraid that I might miscarry when my breasts don't feel sore for a minute. I know this is probably very common and normal, but it feels like my moods are a lot more varied than I remember.
My
first Dr appointment came and went. I did not even see the Dr., but
the nurse practitioner, who took down my whole entire sad history. Sigh.
Because of my 'advanced' age (38) I asked for every test imaginable
and they were only too willing to help! Before I knew it they signed
me up to take 6 vials of blood! Yikes. They are supposed to call me
today if any of the tests came back bad. I am hoping the phone will
not ring. If something was wrong with this baby I am not sure how I
would handle it. Emotionally I am completely drained by Nicky's condition
to even think or consider raising another disabled child.
I am still very cautious on telling people. So far I only told my mom (which so far I know told my sister since my sister emailed me with congrats, I don't know who else) and one other good friend. That's it. My cousin wrote me today so when I reply to him I will tell him as well. He's been always so kind and supportive, I don't mind him knowing. How long before I make the big 'announcement'? I am not sure. Maybe in early March, when the first trimester is over. Greg also finally told his mom! ;-) I like Greg's mom! She is a very compassionate and understanding person, so easy to talk to, a true jewel. I know she will be there for me if I need to talk to somebody. We are actually quite alike.
I
am still not sick or nauseous. Not that I am expecting to, since I've
only felt mild nausea with Nicky's pregnancy starting around 7-8 weeks,
but I am now taking folic acid that is supposed to make me nauseous
and a new kind of prenatal vitamins who I was told could make me nauseous.
I guess not! And thank God for that. I can't imagine feeling sick and
go through all these mood swings. I need to calm down. I have a few
pretty neat cross-stitch projects I will start tonight. Just one thread
per night, while I watch TV, to calm me down and just try to 'enjoy'.
silvia
@ 10:42 AM
sunday, january 12
I have to
admit, this first week since I found I was pregnant, has been quite...
quiet I suppose! I told my mom and gave her the job of telling everyone,
which she will surely love! LOL. Of course she knows that if something
goes wrong (knock on wood) she will have the grim job ot also telling
everyone. I am hoping she does not have to, for hers, and my sake.
I
was trying to think back of when I found out when I was pregnant with
my other babies, and it's always been so different. With Alex it was
pure 100% joy, I just could not wait to tell everyone! I even got cards
from people! First and only time ever. With the baby I miscarried I
remember going and hugging my husband for a while, that is about it.
I remember vowing to take more pictures of me pregnant... so much for
that.
With Nicky I found out on Easter day, and it was a feeling of real happiness
and hope. Almost as if someone told me "this time it's going to
work!". Hmmmm.
This time it felt almost surreal. It has been so long since I was pregnant
with Nicky, that when I saw that the test was positive I was almost
thinking I was watching someone else's , like it wasn't really my own
life that was effected by these two lines on the test strip. Very strange.
My husband does not get home until real late, so, since I did not want
to tell him over the phone, I waited for him until I, yikes! Fell asleep.
DRATS! He came home later than usual and went to play his computer game.
It wasn't until 3 or 4am that he went to the bathroom to get ready to
come to bed that he saw the test. I am not even sure how he saw it,
it was on a corner, with other stuff, but it caught his eye! So... kind
of funny how he found out! He was telling me later... "Gee, this
is how I find out, trying to decipher a little stick"... to that
I responded... "Well, how do you think I found out?" LOL.
Too funny.
He's
very happy though, which really helps. Immediately the following day
I dusted my pregnancy books and joined some mailing lists of women that
are due at the same time I am, plus some pregnancy after loss groups
as well. I am still very uncomfortable telling anyone though. I am not
even sure if Greg told his mom yet. Is not that I feel something is
going to go wrong per se, I am just trying not to think about it too
much. Once the first trimester is over I will surely feel more at ease,
but I doubt I will wait until then! I will most likely tell some of
my closest friends in a couple of weeks, everyone else I am not sure
if I will say anything at all, just basically send a birth announcement!
That is going to be the easiest thing for me.
So far so good as far as symptoms, breasts are sore, but nothing too
bad, no morning sickness, no nausea. I have never thrown up in the past,
so I hope to continue! My first Dr's appointment is next Friday.
I
am also going to exercise this time around! I took up water aerobics
and swimming. Greg is going to take millions of pictures of me for sure!
He just looooves pregnant women!
silvia @ 11:18 AM
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